As I sat in darkness, an old memory came up.
As a child I would always try to be perfect. Perfect student, perfect handwriting, perfect grades – the honor student.
Those seemingly harmless attitudes and goals I wanted to attain back then did more damage to my mind more than I knew.
I found that I have a very hard time moving forward with my spirituality, not because I’m afraid of the outcome or work, but because I have a fear of failure.
I have a fear of not being perfect…
So I research continuously, trying to get everything just right. The tools, the ritual process, checking and triple checking to make sure this or that deity is “right” for me.
And because of all that, I delay my progress. I truly am the one standing in my own way. I hinder myself from the experience.
And I sat there in darkness, trying to figure out the WHY – the source cause of all of this.
Perhaps it was because my father wanted me to be the best. Of course every parent wants that. They want their kids to “make it”. Or perhaps he wanted to live vicariously through my accomplishments.
It’s doesn’t matter. The “why” doesn’t matter.
All that matters is that I’ve found one program that hinders my evolution. I just need to start deleting it and continue onward.